When Pregnancy Wasn't the Plan
I wrote a post once called "No I'm Not Pregnant Thank You for Not Asking" and it was all about how desperately I wanted to be pregnant and how much it hurt that I wasn't. It was very real and raw and has been shared thousands of times and has touched the hearts of so many women struggling through infertility and secondary infertility. So maybe that's why I hesitate to write (and publish) my thoughts and feelings now that I'm going through the absolute exact opposite. But it wouldn't be When at Home if I wasn't sharing my ugly feelings too, so here we go.
So many people say that when you know you're done having babies, you know you're done having babies. You get this feeling of completion after you give birth and you just know...this is it. I can't say that I had that feeling after Emery was born, but it was close. Zach and I both felt comfortable saying that that was probably my last pregnancy and if we had any more children, it would be through adoption. As someone who so desperately fought to conceive both of my babies, it felt weird to be ok with never being pregnant again. But I was totally content with the idea. If my belly never carried life again, I'd be 100% ok with it.
So we started making plans and dreaming of what our life would be like the next few years. We've slowly been working towards moving to a different country with a lower cost of living to continue our journey to debt free freedom while still having the adventurous life we've always wanted. We were getting excited about having two kids who can walk and talk and not having to worry about baby things. We were starting to realistically map out our finances so that we could take the leap next summer. My mind was completely wrapped up in the success of my blog, monetizing my skills, and getting out of my parents basement.
And then BAM. Out of nowhere. Pregnant.
I'd be lying if I told you I was overjoyed and excited. I'd be lying if I told you I had any positive feelings whatsoever. There were none. I wasn't excited. I was frustrated. Annoyed. I lamented the loss of the life we were dreaming of and struggled to wrap my mind around this new life situation. I was instantly stressed out. How can we afford another baby? We're still living in my parents' basement. How on earth could we be so irresponsible? Will our children ever feel stable? Will we ever have a place of our own? Are we ever going to get out of this season of depending on other people?? So many thoughts and stresses and worries took over my mind all at once.
It's totally different when you're trying to get pregnant. When you're trying, you see every pregnant belly, every baby bottle, everything around you seems to scream BABY! And when you see a baby? Forget it. You melt into a pile of tears and you'd give anything to have your own little squish in your arms. That wasn't me this time. I'd see photos of my friends' newborn babies on my feed and I'd think, "Aww. So cute. I'm so glad I don't have a newborn anymore." and I'd say a prayer for that mama because I know how tough the newborn stage is. When my older brother called me to tell me they were expecting their third baby, I was overjoyed for them. There were no feelings of jealousy or selfish thoughts of, "Why can't it be me?" None of that. Just happy. When I got off the phone, I turned to Zach and said, "I am SO glad that that's not us. I really think I'm done having babies."
So a positive pregnancy test was a jolt to my system. I was just getting ready to pack up all of our baby stuff in air tight containers. Emery's only a year old. I'm going to have TWO BABIES and I don't even have one crib. Emery's still sleeping in a pack 'n play. I just don't know how I'm going to handle two babies. I'm scared, to say the least.
Emery's birth was the beginning of the most difficult season of our life. We were living on our own, independent and content. And then Zach lost two of his jobs, we stopped being able to pay our bills, got kicked out of apartment, just all kinds of stressful life stuff. We went from being totally self reliant to depending on friends, family, and total strangers to provide for our family. It was humbling, embarrassing, and absolutely overwhelming. It took a toll on our relationship and our self worth. When I envisioned having another baby (if that were to ever happen), I pictured us in our own home, my boys with their own room, in a life situation that didn't have so many questions marks.
All that being said, it might be hard to understand (unless you've been there) that we are so thankful for this little baby. Making Jonah and Emery was so difficult, heartbreaking, and isolating. Those are two seasons in my life that I don't look back on with fondness. The wanting but not being able to grasp. The desperation, the lack of control. It was awful. Remembering what we went through during those years of trying to conceive and seeing how totally unintentional and "accidental" (if you will) making this baby was makes us laugh with the joy that only God can give. Sometimes we'll just look at each other and shake our heads and laugh and say, "How the hec did this happen?" We're so in love with this little wiggly squish and we know that God is writing a pretty awesome story.
So please don't think I'm not thankful. Or that I'm taking this gift for granted. Even though this is probably the biggest curve ball life has ever thrown at us, we are so in love with this little baby. And just know that whatever judgy thoughts you have about me calling the baby an "oops", or expressing anything less than ooey gooey feelings, I've already thought those thoughts. I've already judged myself and chastised myself and felt like a terrible person and mother and woman and human being and anything and everything that is self deprecating. You cannot make a comment to me or think a thought about me that I haven't already thought through and worked through. It's already done been said, my friends.
Unplanned babies are not unwanted babies. Having a season of infertility doesn't cancel out the negative and horrifying emotions that come with making a baby during an uncertain season of life. We're unsure of so many things right now, but we're getting excited and feel totally blessed to have been given such an incredible gift.
And PS we're still calling the baby "our little oops", because we're just so thrilled we were capable of having an oops.