To the Girl Who Breaks His Heart

Jonah is in love. He's been in love before, but not like this, and if he is anything like his father was as a child, we're in for a long line of true loves. (Zach was mad girl crazy before I came along, but we won't go into that right now.) This particular girl that Jonah is in love with is named Ashley. She's this bubbly little blonde, gorgeous, in her 20's and recently married. Please don't think that Jonah cares about any of that. He does not. As my friends and I used to say, "Those are just minor details". You should see how his face lights up when someone mentions her. His eyes go all glossy and he looks at you, but he's not really looking at you, because he's thinking about her. And when I catch him in a moment of awe, I must have that annoying mom look of adoring his innocent heart because he gets all weird and smiley and hides his face and says, "Stop lookin at me like that!" So I know. He's in love and it's as real as it can be for a three year old.

Which has me thinking about future girlfriends and how much I'm going to hate them. Let's just state, for the record, no girl will ever be good enough for either one of my boys. EVER. Sorry, future daughter-in-laws. I'd love to tell you that I'm praying for you and that I can't wait to meet you, and that I'm so happy for my sons to have found you, but if I'm being honest, I'm already plotting against you. You're going to need to prove yourself, woman. But this isn't about you.


This is about the little heart breaker that's going to make my little boy sad. That girl that will make him listen to sad songs and pretend he's not hurting, but then secretly he'll go write a song about how he'll never love again. I remember when my older brother suffered his first heart break. I remember, clear as day, the look on his face when he told us that she broke up with him. I wanted to slap her stupid pretty face. So if I cared that much about my brother's heart, whoever breaks either one of my boys' hearts is going to have hell to pay. Little jerk.

To the Girl Who Will Break My Son's Heart For The First Time,

I know that this is a necessary part of life. We've all been there. I've been the recipient of many a broken heart, but I've also been the breaker, which is what gives me the authority to speak to you on this matter. I don't like you, because I know how girls work and girls are mean. You will make my son fall head over heels for you and then you'll need "space", which is really just a euphemism for "I'm bored and this other guy is really cute". You'll say some bull like "let's always be friends" and if you're one of the "nicer" breed, you'll smile and be nice to him at school, and you won't rub it in his face that you broke his heart. But you won't be the one that has to watch him experience the pain from a broken heart for the first time. And even if you did have to see that train wreck, you won't really care because you're not his mom. Which is good. Because that would make things weird. But I digress.

You didn't cry every time you heard his heart beat when he was a growing little fetus in the womb. You didn't wipe his tears or hold his hand or kiss his boo boos. (You better not have ever touched him with your lying lips, girl. For real.) That was MY job and I was stinkin good at it. So you'll have to understand, that this is a little difficult for me, because for the first time in my (and his) life, I can't fix this. I can't buy him enough ice cream to heal the pain that the end of your relationship (however brief) has caused him. And that ticks me off. Even right now, as I write this, and he his years and years and years away from ever having his heart broken, I'm already boiling with anger over a situation that has yet to happen. I'm trying not to hate you, as you are just a child at the moment, but I kind of do. Do you know how hard this is for me, girl? The thought that someday my little boy will have to learn to navigate heartbreak on his own just kills me a little.

So forgive me if I ever give you the stank eye. Forgive me if I snub your mom at church because, clearly, she did not raise you right. You'll have to forgive my other children also, as they'll be just as done with you as I am. Eventually, I will start acting like an adult again and I will move on from this heartbreak, but probably not until a little while after my son does. Because mama wrath is a real thing and it shows no mercy. But eventually, we'll all bounce back from this little situation and one day my son will find a new love of his life and your heart break will be a distant memory. So maybe I should thank you because you've prepared him a little bit for the mess of emotions that is falling in and out of love.

But I'm not going to thank you. I'll let his future wife do that.

Sincerely, Not Your Future Mother In Law