Zach and I have goals. I'd call them dreams, but they're not. They're very attainable things that we are working towards making happen. The biggest goal? To be totally debt free by 30. That means we have to pay off $82,000 worth of school loans in a little over two years. Is that possible? Right now, no. Not at the rate we're going and the income we're making. At this rate we'll be debt free by maybe our 40th birthdays and that's only if we stay in my parents' basement and never accrue another debt. Neither one of us has a marketable degree, (Bible School, people. You'll never make more than what you put into it. Just saying.) so increasing our income is extremely difficult. We have to monetize our skills which means we have to work even when we're not working. Zach gets home from work and works on his side business. I work on my stuff all day long, during nap time, quiet play time, after they go to bed. Most days it's totally non stop work work work work for both of us. It's exhausting, but we're determined.
I always describe myself as "goal oriented", but I'm gonna change that to say that I'm goal addicted. When I start accomplishing things, I get hooked and then I get crazy. I started bringing in a little bit of income from home at the beginning of this year and now I'm all in. I'm always thinking of new ways to monetize my skills and my gifts because I want to get our family where we want to be. So I say "yes" a lot and take on a lot more than should and spend more time away from my kids than is ideal, and then I get stressed and frustrated. I do too much and yet I never feel like it's enough.
More often than not, I let the end goal affect the present moment. I get so focused on what our lives are going to be like once we're out from the dark cloud of stupid debt, that I forget that this is the only today that I get. I'm trying to learn to be content right where we are. We've been in my parents' basement 6 months longer than we'd planned, but instead of being frustrated that all of our stuff is still in storage, I need to just be thankful that my parents had room for us. Instead of ignoring my kids to make and extra 50 bucks, I need to just take a deep breath and realize that the reason Emery is screeching at my knees is because I haven't picked him up and snuggled his face all morning. Be content, Kristen. Be content. This is enough. This will always be enough.
It's so easy for me to get caught up in the hustle of being intentional and achieving our goals. I want so badly to just get to the point where we're completely debt free, but I don't want to get there and look back on these years and struggle to remember anything about them. And so I'm learning to say "no" and to be fully present in my life right now. The end doesn't always justify the means and if I can't hustle my way to debt free freedom while being the best mom and wife I can be, then it isn't worth it. << Still trying to convince myself that that's truth.
So...smaller, easier to accomplish goals. Less "yes" to more work and more "yes" to my kids and my husband. I have to be ok even if we never ever ever get out of debt. Even if we never make more money than we're making right now, I have to be content with that. We have to thrive where we're planted, even if we're not exactly thrilled with where that happens to be right now. Because this is enough and it will always be enough.