I'm not sure when I started to feel the need to control everything in my life, but the damage it's done is overwhelming. I didn't realize that my need for control was a defense that I set up to protect myself. In the process of protecting myself, I've pushed everyone out. I thought that's what I needed to do. I thought that was healthy. I built up a wall and kept everyone at arm's length until I felt like I could trust them enough to let them get a bit closer. Every now and then, I'd let that wall down a bit, only to immediately regret it and build it up 10 feet taller. I thought that everyone was against me and blamed everyone else for my lack of connection. I never realized that I was putting off an angry, jaded vibe that made people uncomfortable. I kept everyone out. Even my husband. I kept my thoughts and feelings tucked away because I was afraid letting them out would distance me even further from him. I didn't want him to know that I was angry with him, disappointed with our relationship, and that I needed more from him. I didn't want to be needy, or difficult, or complicated. I wanted to keep things simple. I didn't want to be "that girl". But now I am the girl that pushed her husband away because she didn't trust him with her heart.
I didn't trust him with my heart.
I didn't trust anyone.
I didn't trust myself.
Worst of all, I didn't trust my Heavenly Father.
I tried so hard to keep from falling apart. I wanted to keep it together, but it didn't work. On the outside, I was controlling everything and staying "safe", but that control began to erode my heart and now here I am. I am tired. I am weak. I am falling apart.
But the beauty of it is that I don't have to keep it together. I am held by Love himself. God has given me the grace to fall apart because I am held by him. But it's not really falling apart, is it? I'm not falling apart, I am falling into him. I am trusting him with my heart. I am trusting him with my mess. He is unraveling me in the most beautiful way.
It is not easy. I have had many dark days and even more dark nights. This unraveling process is exhausting and painful. I am so tired. But even in the darkest night, I know that I am anchored in him and that whatever the outcome, he is perfecting me, refining me, and loving me relentlessly.
So I am letting go. I am relaxing into his love. For the first time in my life I understand what it means to become undone. I have come face to face with his grace and it's not like anything I have ever experienced. Grace for sin is one thing, but grace to be who you are, to let go, and to feel is unlike anything on this earth. I feel loved. I feel treasured. I feel hopeful. I feel safe.
I am broken in the most terrifying ways, but I know that he is here, I know that he is good, and I know that he is holding me.
So here's to freedom and the grace to fall apart.