Last year, several people messaged me and asked me to write a devotional for moms. At the time, I wasn't really in a place where I felt comfortable writing a book about faith when my own faith was being challenged so deeply. I hung the idea up and decided to go back to it when I wasn't so frustrated with God.
Fast forward to a few months ago.
We moved to Massachusetts, I'd all but shut down When at Home, Zach was working full time again, and I needed a project to keep me sane. So I started writing the devotional. I decided to only write when I felt inspired to write. I didn't want to force out content and I didn't want anything to feel contrived. The result is something completely different than what I thought I was writing. When I read through the whole thing cover to cover a few weeks ago, I cried. This book isn't what I wanted it to be.
If you follow me on facebook, you may have seen my recent post about my struggle with postpartum depression. To say the very least, it's been real. I have not been kind to my husband and my children. I have cried in broom closets, in bedroom closets, in our car, under blankets, and while staring blankly out of windows. I've had dark and scary thoughts. I have said things I wish I could erase from history. I have felt isolated, misunderstood, rejected, and abandoned. I've been scared for my marriage, for my health, and for my future. Things are getting better, but I'm not 100% myself 100% of the time anymore and I'm learning to deal with it and have peace about it, while also trying to get help and get past it.
This book reflects all of that. It's heavy. It's real. It's emotional. It was written from this very hard place that I'm still in and so right now, it feels too raw. I want to give it to you, but at the same time I don't. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not sure what it is.
I'm disappointed because I wanted this to be the thing you've been asking for. I'm disappointed because I thought it would be something all women could relate to and I'm not sure that's true anymore. I'm disappointed because I had an epic kickstarter planned and now it doesn't feel right to raise money for this project. I'm disappointed because I spent hours coming up with a marketing plan and now that plan is irrelevant. I'm disappointed because I had an awesome title and now the title doesn't fit the content. So I don't know what to do with this. I really don't. I'm not saying that it isn't good, because I think it is, or it will be, I just don't know how or when or if to release it.
I wish I could just give it to you, those of you who would benefit from it, but the costs of printing and shipping a book are way too high and I'm way too middle class American to afford that (hence the kickstarter idea). I'm at a standstill and I don't know what to do. So I guess I'm writing this to : 1. apologize to you because what I have in my hands is not what I've been saying it would be and 2. hope that you'll give me some feedback and maybe help me have some idea of the general interest in a devotional that is less fluffy and encouraging and more about finding God in really dark, really difficult places.
As I was whining to my friends about this whole drama, one of them said, "This isn't the only book you're going to write!" and that made me feel a little bit better because it's not like the whole world is resting on this book. It's really not. I'm sure the vast majority of you don't really care about what happens with it. But for me, it's a pretty big deal, and I just want to do it well. SO that's where I'm at with this whole thing. I know I'll figure it out eventually, but I just wanted to give everyone an update. It's done. It's in my hands. It's almost ready to hit the printer, I just don't know if it should.