I keep half writing blog posts and they all come out so dramatic and complain-y and emotional. I just can't find it within myself to actually post these hormonal, emotion and stressed filled thoughts for the world to read. So, today I will fill your eyes and mind with hilarity.
Last week, I peed myself. Like, legit, pee running down my leg into my shoes kind of pee. It was my sister and husband's fault. Little jerks. Zach was creeping her out with some kind of story and she went to turn away from him really fast and banged her head on the door. That doesn't really sound funny, but I swear. It was. It was hilarious. She fell to the ground. (Probably should've checked to make sure she was conscious...) And then we ALL fell over laughing. Hysterically. I tried to cross my legs. I tried to stop laughing. I tried running to the nearest bathroom (BROKEN). So I ran upstairs...still laughing...I MAY have pushed Abby's friend out of the way as she, too, was running for a toilet...and just...PEE. Lots of it. I think my shoes caught it all. If not, sorry about the steps, mom.
Also last week, Jonah somehow learned how to "twerk". (it's a dance. I don't even have the guts to post a link to a video because it's so strange and uncomfortable.) I walked into our closet and he was upside down, hands on the floor and feet on the baby bouncer saying, "Watch my twerk, mom." Ok but who taught him how to do this? Cause I have no idea. And it's so weird. And why does he do it upside down? We were in Hobby Lobby and he was sitting in the back of the cart. He put his feet up on the edge of the cart and started yelling, "I twerkin! Watch my twerk!!" and people were laughing and I was just like, what the hec has my child become? Please don't think I teach my child these things, because I don't. And no one will admit to teaching it to him. But maybe he'll be a better dancer than his parents. Cause we're awkward.
Speaking of things I haven't taught my child... My mom, sister and I went to Joann's to get some fabric. When we walked in, I put Jonah in the cart and said, "Wow, Jonah. See all the fabric?" And he gasped and yelled, "Wook at all the faggots!!" OMG. Did my kid just say that? Did anyone hear? Yes. Yes they did. Oh God. FABRIC, Jonah. FAAAAABBBBBBBRRRRIIIIICCCCCC.
And can we just talk about the day I had yesterday? Because I wanted to kill somebody. I've been trying to get our house in order because the midwife is coming for a home visit on Monday and our apartment is like...so chaotic right now. So I might not have been supervising Jonah the way that I should have. He said he needed to go potty, so I turned the light on for him and walked out. He can do this on his own now. He's a pro most of the time. Literally, I turned away from the door, took two steps away and heard splashing. He was playing with the toilet brush in the toilet. So I yelled at him, made him sit on his little potty and walked out. Literally, I turned away from the door, took two steps and heard splashing. There's no way he got that toilet brush out again. He wouldn't. He didn't. He was using his hands. So I picked him up, put him on the potty, told him a thing or two about what I thought about him putting his hands in the toilet and walked out of the bathroom. (WHY hadn't I learned my lesson by then??) Literally, I turned away from the door, took two steps away and heard him yelling, but there was a hollow, he's got his head in something sound to it. Walked back into the bathroom and he had his head INSIDE the toilet yelling into it. Like a drunk frat boy. He got kicked out of the bathroom after that.
This is my life right now. I am living the dream.
And laughing a hec of a lot.