The other night, I was reading through this post that I wrote in October. I remember crying as I was working through the writing process and feeling so embarrassed and just waiting for the opinionated people of the internet to tell me all the ways I'm a terrible mother, a selfish wife, and a lost child of God. Those were all the things I was believing about myself and on top of that, I was in the middle of a serious crisis of faith. Zach and I both were. That was such a messy month for us. We're barely three months out of that and things are so completely different. We are both in a completely different state of mind and heart and I'm so thankful that we climbed out of that fog zone. That life of BLAH. Always waiting for something, always questioning, always wondering. It's amazing to be past all of that.
We are so content where we are right now. Not that we don't want things to change, we definitely do, but we finally understand that where we are right now is a season. Admittedly, it's a much longer season than we intended and we've made some not so great choices to make this season last longer than necessary, but here we are. Once November hit, and we decided not to try to rush out of my parents' basement, my mind and my heart were completely at peace. I know that's some cheesy jargon I'm using, but I don't know how else to describe it. One night, I was sitting on the couch, looking around the basement and I thought to myself, "We have to stay here until the baby is born. This is where we live. This is our home." As soon as I thought the words, it was like a million bricks were thrown off my back and I could breathe again.
We've been in this basement for a year. We've dealt with comments and whispers for a year. We know we've disappointed our family and friends by stepping down from ministry and pursuing other avenues of God's work. We know that from the outside looking in, our life looks like it's a mess. We live in a basement with our two (almost three) children. Zach's been through several jobs this year and he just quit his full time job to pursue starting his own business. And because I write pretty openly about our life, people tend to assume that's there's nothing left to the imagination, so a lot of assumptions are made about our financial situation that are just simply not true. This past year, it has been so difficult to hold our head high and have confidence that we were doing the right thing. We had so many people throwing opinions and suggestions and advice at us and it was so disheartening.
But now things are different. We still hear whispers and comments and we know that the majority of people in our lives just don't get it, but we are 100% content and 100% confident that we are making the right choices for our family. It's so amazing for me to be able to say that I am content.
Getting pregnant so soon after Emery completely threw me. Still living in my parents' basement embarrassed me. Writing ebooks that all but flopped discouraged me. Well meaning Facebook messages from concerned friends emotionally drained me. Strangers on the internet commenting about my financial and life choices angered me.
And now, none of those negative emotions are left to take room in my life. Having confidence about our lives and our path and our choices has completely revolutionized our home. There are so many amazing things that are going to happen to us this year. We know that without a doubt. But those amazing things and those circumstances won't be the reason we find happiness and contentment and peace. We've got that right now, in the valley, as we climb our way out.
And it feels stinking good.