This blog has been intimidating me since around week 36 of my pregnancy. And now here we are, a month later, and I'm still kind of intimidated. I'll open up my computer and then close it before I do anything on it and for no good reason except that I'm intimidated. I have no logical explanation for it. I stare at the screen and my thought process goes something like this : "What am I going to write about? No, they won't like that. What if I offend someone? I'm too tired to overthink this post. I can't think about all the angles someone could get be hurt or offended. What if people like it, and they share it, but then the people they share it with hate it and put me on that forum thing again? What if it flops? What if that other post goes viral again? I can't afford the hosting overages this month. whatifwhatifwhatif." So then I just don't. I know. It's dumb.
It's been two weeks since Anna was born. Something happened to me the moment she was born, that I can't really explain and it may sound kind of dumb, but whatever. It is what it is. I guess I don't really know if her being born is what caused this change of heart or if her birth just drew attention to it, but all of a sudden, I didn't care anymore. I had no urge to rush to instagram or Facebook to announce her birth. I didn't even read all of the comments and well wishes and congratulations until later that night. I didn't want to take out my phone or fancy camera and take a hundred photos of her and edit them in the hospital so I could share them with the world and have everyone validate how beautiful she is and what a great job I did and whatever else people say when a new baby is born. I just wanted to hold her and take a nap and sing to her and soak her up.
When we got home from the hospital, I had zero desire to get back to writing and blogging. I am SO glad I made the decision a few months ago to stop doing sponsored posts because it's been so nice to actually have a break. I haven't had any obligations to fulfill or pressing matters to attend to. I've earned that. I've worked my butt off in the last year on this little blog of mine and deciding to take a break from financial commitments and contracts was the wisest decision I've made in a long time. Now, when I come back to this place to write, it's 100% because of you guys. My When at Homies. The ones that really matter. You guys have helped me build this thing and knowing that makes it a little less intimidating to get back into the swing of things.
All that being said, I still feel the need to just enjoy this little family of mine. One thing that has been resoundingly echoed in every aspect of my life is that I need to make being mom my number one priority. I get my priorities mixed up a lot, but one thing that has been clear in my prayer life as of lately is that I need to be 100% mom. Not half in, half out. Not mom in the morning and blogger at night. But just mom. I need to be present with my kids and become a student of them so that I can be the mom they deserve. Having a third baby has really changed my perspective on things.This is the only time my kids will be this little. I'm going to blink and Anna will be crawling and then walking and then asking for the keys to the car and I don't want to look back on this season of life and think, "Man. Why did I spend so much time on the internet?" You know what I mean?
But then I get in my head and I'm like, "But my people are waiting for me! I haven't blogged in two weeks! They're going to stop following me. They're going to hate me. I'm old news. No one will care anymore." And then I think... so what?
Momastery had a post on her Facebook page the other day about how her 9 year old daughter told her that she's traveling too much and she needed to spend more time with her mama. Instead of brushing off her daughter's feelings, she talked to her team and decided to cut back on how much she travels every month and if she has to take an extra trip, her daughter comes along. She said she's letting people down all the time, but she feels good about it because she's letting down the right people. Let that sink in for a second. Letting down the right people.
I want to make sure that I'm always letting down the right people. Not my husband. Not my children. Not my God. Not myself. If I let them down, I've failed. Of course it's gonna happen and it's gonna be ok, but I know that I can make choices today and every day that will help me let down the right people. Will people be disappointed in me? Sure. Will my blog content suffer? Probably. Will people unfollow? Forget about me? Stop caring? Absolutely. But it's ok. Because this is the only time I get to live in this season and if I'm going to let people down, it's going to be the right people.
So bear with me, friends, as I adjust to this new season of life with my three kids and my husband's new business, and trying to figure out what our next step in life is going to be. I have so many ideas and dreams and things I want to write about and do, but I'm trying to recognize and accept the season of life that I'm in. I don't want to take on too much and sacrifice the wrong things. I'll be back in the blogging swing of things in no time, but I need to figure out this being a mom of three little kids first.
Much love to you all.