There was a time in my life where I was sure that I was called by God and that my life would serve a great purpose. I could write an entire book about that season and struggle of my life, but we'll just sum it up with this : BIBLE COLLEGE. Consumed by thoughts of God, studying the truths of his word, and surrounded by people who constantly confirmed and affirmed what God was speaking to my heart, it was easy to believe that God had something cool for me to do. It excited me. My passion was untamable. I had big visions, big dreams, ignited by my love for the Creator and fueled by the truth that He was consistently speaking into my life. But then years went by, ministries were fruitless, my passions were laughed at and my dreams were squashed one by one. It was a slow fade into purposelessness, but it happened, nonetheless. And then all of a sudden, in one moment, I had no idea who I was to the body of Christ. I can tell you the exact day. January 31, 2011 : the day my son was born.
Over the next few years, as I slipped deeper into a somewhat depression, I began to feel like my life had no worth outside of motherhood. I tried to embrace it, and I truly did love being everything to my son. My priorities had changed, and that was OK. I don't think anyone expected anything else from a new mom. But when I looked back at who I was in college and thought about all the things I felt "called" to do, I wondered if it was all just a big emotional sham. I had done exactly none of the things and the person that I had become wasn't even someone who really wanted those things anymore. The person people used to say was "holy" and "anointed" was nothing more than a shell of exhaustion and spit up stains. I lost myself in motherhood. Dove completely in head first and refused to look out.
Honestly, since becoming a mom, I've allowed myself very little brain and heart space to even think about what my "purpose" is in the kingdom of God. At first that was because God and I were going through a thing. I'll talk about that "thing" another time, but there was significant rift in our relationship. And now that things are better between the two of us, my focus on my calling has all but diminished. Not because I don't feel like I serve a purpose anymore outside of my motherhood, but because I see now that my pursuit of a having a purpose has been a completely selfish one.
For so, so, long, I wrapped my worth up in what I was doing. Who was being changed? How was my life affecting someone else's? What treasures am I storing up in heaven? How am I serving Christ? How can I sacrifice? What can I do to serve Christ and fulfill my calling? What's my purpose? What am I called to do? See a theme here? "My". "I". "ME".
When I became a mom, I defaulted to "Well motherhood is my calling right now and it's the ultimate calling". And maybe that's true, but really it's just a consolation prize. "I may not be doing anything for the kingdom of God, but at least I'm raising my kids to serve him!". And all that is fine, and noble, and totally true, but it's still self focused. It's still about me. As if my worth as a believer and follower of Christ is wrapped up in what I'm doing and what I'm not doing.
So I'm here to tell you fellow mamas, that you are still called. You didn't lose your calling when you became a mother. It never changed. You still have purpose and you are still worthy. But don't for one second think that your worth is wrapped up in your calling. It isn't. The second you allow your calling to define your worth, you will find yourself either in the deep end of pride or in the desert feeling hopeless and lost.
Your worth is solely and completely defined by the Creator. Nothing else. No one else. Only him.
Your calling isn't about you. God can use someone else to accomplish his purposes. He'll get things done no matter what. Your calling does not define who you are. Stop making it all about you, because it really isn't. You are worthy. You are loved. You have a purpose. But before you get lost in trying to redefine or discover that purpose, wrap yourself up in the pursuit of Christ. Let Him be everything to you and let him define you and lead you.
Motherhood is a beautiful and messy thing. It consumes everything. It's not just what you do, but who you are at the very core. When your pre-motherhood life was defined by your ministry and your "calling", getting lost in motherhood is a tense struggle between worth and purpose. But don't get the two confused. You are worthy not because of who you are or what you do, but because you have been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb. Nothing you have done has warranted that grace, and yet it's there for you to claim. Hold on to that truth while you trudge through these years of feeling like your only purpose is to make babies and feed them and wipe their nasty little butts.
You're still called, mama. And that calling is bigger than you. You can't mess it up, I promise. Rest and find peace in that truth.